Tuesday, February 21, 2012

challenges

the last few weeks have been incredibly difficult. it honestly feels like it's just one thing after another, and it has been incredibly overwhelming. but amidst the troubles with work, money, school, commuting and missing andrew a lot, i have just kept telling myself that God never gives us more than we can handle (louisa was so good to remind me of this when i truly thought that i was going to lose it recently). and i have been coming to the realization that God is pushing me...challenging me to push the limits that i set up for myself a long time ago. prior to this week, i was becoming frustrated with myself because i saw a lot of limitations that i had set for myself and thought that i could never accomplish "adult" things with these limitations in place. with the events of the past week or so, these limitations are being knocked down and i am forced again and again to make the mature decision...i've been putting on my big girl pants a lot. and through these mature decisions that i have been forced to make, i'm realizing that i will be able to handle being an adult. i know this sounds silly, but come on, i'm in college...i have insecurities galore about being a grown up and what that will require of me. and every time this week that i have made a decision that is in complete contradiction of what i want to do, or what i think shawn spencer on psych would do, i am coming to the conclusion that i can do this...i can handle the stress of juggling a million things all at once, and even when i drop something, i CAN own up to it like an adult would do. had i been confronted with this week a year ago, even a few months ago, i would have made excuses about the mistakes that i made. not taking ownership of my mistakes is one of my biggest faults, and rather than deal with the humiliation of admitting that i messed up, i would honestly much rather lie about it or hide until the situation is diffused. but this week, in working rather than going to jubilee, in not lying to Dr. D about why i missed a chorale performance and in still going to class, even when i was 20 minutes late (i was so tempted to skip), i have punched my old self in the face again and again. growing up is frustrating and not fun at all. but at least now i have a little bit more confidence in my ability be a grown up.